Incest is Alive and Well...at least in my family.

If you thought that incestuous behavior was relegated soley to small pockets of rural, backwoods towns in our friendly southern states, you thought wrong. You see, ever since I was a teenager, my mother has been trying to set me up with my relatives. Not Aunty Judy's husband's 3rd cousin's step-son type of "relative". I mean blood relatives. The kind that would make you babies come out with hooves. These include numerous first and second cousins, the most recent indiscretion occurring this past Christmas, when my mom suggested, to the shock and appal of our extended family, and in a not so indiscreet manner, that my seven year old cousin could be a legitimate potential suitor for myself. I am 23. You do the math.

That's right. Seven. Not seventeen, not twenty seven... 2 front teeth missing, is asleep by 7pm... wears pajamas with trains on them...that kind of age. This is merely the latest in a string of suggestive comments and foiled plans to find me a boyfriend. It's not like I'm on the shelf yet. Im young, spritely, and entirely capable of finding somebody to date who is not in my family. I am used to her setting me up; the main issue I have with this situation was the multitude of potential criminal offenses and the flagrant and obscene nature of the suggestion.

My entire family from Scotland was over for my cousin's wedding. She was marrying a man who had two sons from a previous marriage. Essentially, they were to become my second cousins. The young one took a liking to me immediately, the way that little kids always look up to their elders. We became buddies.

A few days before the wedding, we were all sitting in my house and I was playing with the little one, when my mom says to me, in front of everyone, (the boy's father included):
"Vicki, do you fancy Eric?" (I decided to change his name in the event of future litigation)
My mom is Scottish, and so to her, to "fancy" somebody is akin to liking them in a romantic or sexual way.
"Sorry Mom, what?" I hadn't misheard her. I just wanted her to have to repeat the question and possibly in that moment realize its ridiculous nature.
"I said, do you fancy him? He's really not that much younger than you, you know."
"Yes, Mom, only 16 years younger", I said, my face red with embarrassment. It was at that moment that the innocent manner in which I was playing with Eric on the couch felt extremely perverse and uncomfortable. Not to mention all eyes were on me as I groaned in exasperation and slouched back on the couch.
"But I am five years older than your father, Vicki... when Eric is 20 you will only be 36"
"Mom, seriously. He is seven. If I liked him, I would be in jail right now. Stop talking about this".

She continued whole-heartedly to advocate the relationship for a full ten minutes, unable to turn anybody else on to the idea of her bright idea for a courtship.

In this same trip home over Christmas break, she also tried to rearrange the seating at the wedding reception so that I would be sitting next to another cousin, aged 22 and single, for the sole reason that he was single. Luckily, rearranging the seating arrangement turned out to be a logistical nightmare and I ended up sitting next to Eric anyway.

I also have to throw in the time last summer when I had three missed calls from my mom in the course of an hour. Naturally, I ignored the first two. By the third call I thought that there might be some sort of emergency. I call back, only to hear her excited voice on the other end of the phone:
"Vicki, GUESS who just broke up with his girlfriend??"
"Humor me- who"? I was slightly interested, yet simultaneously irritated at the triple call for lack-of-emergency ring.
"Simon!"
"Umm, my cousin Simon"?
"Yes!" she screeched. "Isn't that fantastic?" In my mom's eyes, the timing couldn't be better. My cousin Simon is English, and we were happening to be flying to England only weeks later for my grandfather's 75th birthday.
"He is a lawyer, Vicki. He's very bright, you know. And sooo good looking. He is very wealthy too.... I hear he does corporate law in London..." By this time I was already knee-deep in three instant messenger conversations and was only catching a word or two of her rant.
"So I'm going to call your grandma and make sure that you are sitting next to him at Grandad's party". Hold up. Now I was listening.
"What, no. Mom, can you not do that please? Like please. I haven't seen him in like ten years I can't make conversation with him for two hours. And isn't he thirty-something?"
"Nooo Vicki, he is thirty". The deal was as good as done.
A week later my mom called saying she bought me a Gold's Gym membership. I honestly think it was so I would look good for Simon. And I got a brand new dress, courtesy of the rents, so I suppose things didn't work out too badly for me.

Needless to say, I did end up sitting next to Simon at the wedding. He was as good looking as promised and I had a great time hanging out with him. Can't hate on my mom for that one. And at least he was legal.