The Best Cups For Drinking and Driving

As much as road safety is a concern for me, getting drunk (often in a speedy and efficient manner) is a more pressing concern to my reckless, alcohol-indulging self. Years of experience have shown me the importance of choosing the right cup when embarking on a night of drunk driving. In an effort to help out my fellow readers, I have compiled a list, outlining the positives and negatives of the standard beverage holders.

1. The Solo Cup.
The Classic. This cup has been helping frat guys get laid since the dawn of the drinking culture in American universities. However, it does have many practical uses outside of the college party. First of all, it tells your friends, "I'm here to party". How often do you see a red solo cup that isn't filled with beer/mixed drink/ vomit? Its surprising durability and ability to hold over 16oz of liquor make it a fine choice. While perfect for the house party, I would not recommend this cup for the car. Just as it serves as a notice to your friends that you are well on your way to getting fucked up, it tells the cops the saaaaaaaaaaame thing. Pull up to a stop light drinking out of a Solo Cup and you will be pulled over faster than you can take another sip. Keep this cup at home. Unless you want to throw the cops for a loop, which I often do- use the solo cup in the daytime, and fill it with water or juice. Seeing an officer of the law while doing this has the same euporhic effect as the first few months of using your id after turning 21. It's a real mindfuck for the po's.

2. The Used Water Bottle
I can only reiterate this concept so many times: only clear beverages go in the water bottle. This means vodka/tonics, gin/tonics, or for the real crazies that think they have their drinking and driving down; Everclear and Sprite. This way, when you get pulled over, that half empty Poland Spring is so unassuming that the cop won't even think to check what's in it (granted you can hold your shit together while he's talking to you). No mixers that stray from the clear. It's just asking for trouble, believe me.

3. The Glass
A bad choice all around. You have to be pretty ballsy to do this. It is telling people that you are so confident with your drunk driving skills that you didn't even think to take something more discreet. In fact, when you leave with a glass, it is usually something you stole from somebody else's house, because you didn't care, maybe didn't like them that much, and know that they will never see it again. We rarely bring glasses from our own homes. Why? Because we know they're going to end up crushed to smithereens on the side of the highway during a moment of clarity, when we toss them out the window realizing how bad of an idea they actually are.

4. The Protein Shake Bottle
My personal favorite. Its large size is perfect for the 4 shot drink when you really want to get blitzed. Maybe you have an awkward social function to attend, maybe you just got off of work and your friends are light years ahead of you in alcohol consumption. Whatever the reason, I highly recommend adding one of these cups to your personal collection. They come with a lid and so are highly spill proof. They are so big that there is ample room for an indulgence of ice and mixer. It's a real toss-up as to whether the cops are going to find this kind of item suspicious. I'd say if you're a big guy and have a copy of "Men's Health" on your passenger seat, then you're in the clear. Otherwise, proceed with caution.

5. The Bottle the Drink Came In
This is obvious but needs to be mentioned. If you're taking swigs out of that bottle of Captain, you better be ready for the consequences. You are either driving to the highest bridge you can find to jump off, or your life sucks so bad that you don't care what happens to you. I have never heard of any stories ending well in a situation like this. If any readers know of anything to the contrary, I'd be interested to hear about it.

Moral of the story: Drive safely. And I don't condone drunk driving.