Awkward Hookup Story # 1

I've had more than my fair share of embarrassing fleeting encounters with random guys in my younger, sluttier days. Before I knew the high risks of contracting an STD, and was not privy to the information that you could kill an unborn foetus with a swift kick to the uterus. Now I am older and wiser, but look back on this time in my life with just a bit of nostalgia.

I have decided to tell this series of "Awkward Hookups" one at a time, and sporadically, in a half-hearted attempt to somehow diffuse my promiscuity. And with the hopes that some young gent may still be interested afterwards (Inquire within).

One night a few years ago, I was stumbling back to my college apt. in the wee hours of the morning. I had been at a friend's house in the neighborhood and, despite advice to the contrary from my friends, assumed I would be able to make it home alright (it was approximately a 3 minute walk). At the home stretch, I spotted a neighbor of mine, standing on his porch smoking a cigarette. Well, everybody is a friend when you're wasted at 4am, so I (not so gracefully) ventured over to say hello.

Lets just say this: he gave me a cigarette... one thing led to another, and before I knew it I was in his bedroom. I tried to justify my being there in a number of ways:

• He was generous! (gave me a cigarette)
• Smart! (in college)
• Attractive! (he's not smaller than me; I'm just wearing heels).

However, as soon as my shirt was off, I already regretted being there. Oh, what I would have given to be in my nice, big bed... alone. However, I was already past the point of no return- read: pants on the floor, I didn't want to be a rude house guest (he invited me in), and he seemed kind of into it ( I could have replaced my own body with a pool flotation device and he wouldn't have known the difference).

Morning came; and as the daylight always tends to do, brought feelings of remorse. What is it about the darkness that makes me think I am hot/not slutty/ want a random hookup??

It was early and I wanted to leave, preferably without having to wake "him" (name still unknown) from his alcohol-induced state. Unfortunately, this posed a bevy of problems.

All I was wearing was a sock and a gold hoop earring. With the dark eyeliner smudged under my eyes, I'd say that I looked something akin to Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Ughhhhhhh, where the fuck are my clothes?? Pan right: more horror- you are not even attractiveeeee. God, I suck. This was not my low point, however.

I was trying to quietly navigate down the side of his bed looking for stray items of clothing while still covering myself with his sheet (is there any point to being modest in the morning??) when there was a loud rap at the door.

Girl: "Bryyyyyyyyyyan" (presumably unknown male next to me)

Bryan: Audible groan.

Girl: "Bryyyyyyan, are you in there?"

Bryan bolts up with a look of horror on his face.

Me: Who is that?

Bryan: My girlfriend.

!?!?!?!?!

So Bryan starts freaking out. "I need you to climb out the window", he says.

Me: "What, no way".

Bryan: "Please, please", he begged. "She can't see you".

The girl is still knocking but he has silenced her with a story about a bad hangover and a promise of Belgian Waffles.

At this point, what I should have done was told him to go fuck himself, walked out his bedroom door, through the living room, and outside. However, the thought of marching through the living room in nothing but a hoop earring and a sock in front of god knows who (remember, these are my neighbors) sounded worse than the alternative.

Me: Oh my goddddd, I can't believe I'm doing this.

Bryan: Thank You, like, seriously.

Me: I feel like fucking Joey Potter.

Bryan: She is going to break up with meeeee.

Me: Where is the ladder?

Bryan: What? We're on the first floor (obviously not a Dawson's Creek fan).

With as much self-dignity as I could muster, I tumbled out the window and landed in the bushes. I had managed to find my jeans and tank top under his bed. It was broad daylight on a Saturday morning and I just wanted as few people to see me as possible. I didn't even have house keys, so I ended up having to sit outside and wait for my roommates for 2 hours. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the semester avoiding Bryan at all costs. I'm pretty sure that his girlfriend never found out, because I saw them together a bunch of times.