Donut Theory

I am convinced that there are only two, narrowly defined classes of people that can get away with eating donuts.
1. Very Fat People
2. Very Skinny People.

Now, I tend to fall somewhere in the middle and thus, am banned, by my own stringent standards, from eating donuts.

The other day my theory was severely tested. I woke up on Saturday morning, hungover, and in need of a ride to my car. I called Law School Friend # 1, who promised she would be there within minutes. True to her word, she arrived shortly thereafter. In the car I expressed my strong desire for a Dunkin' Donuts ham egg and cheese bagel, and an iced coffee.

"Ohhhh, you're going to Dunkin Donuts. Could you do me a huge favor, and get me a Boston Cream?? I'll give you the money for it".

First of all, I hate donuts and would never order one for myself. But this is not the issue. The issue is that I am neither fat enough nor skinny enough to buy a donut. If I was morbidly obese it would be acceptable. Donuts, along with acrylic nails, would be one of my only true forms of pleasure. On the other hand, if I were thin as a rail, then it really wouldn't matter how many donuts I was eating.

"Oh my god, pleeeeeeeeeeease don't make me do this", I begged.

"Why, what's the big deal"?? She just didn't get it, because she falls into class #2 of acceptable donut-eaters, (the skinny kind).

If I were to order a donut, (in addition to my already substantial order) I would be subjecting myself to unnecessary criticism from both the DD employee and the other customers in line. While I am not fat, I am certainly not skinny enough to unself-consciously order a donut without the people in line thinking , "wow that girl does not need to be eating donuts". If she wasn't such a good friend, I would have undoubtedly refused this request. Unfortunately, I knew how much she wanted the donut and didn't have the heart to say no.

I was worrying about the donut order all the way up to the register. And, as always tends to happen to me, the only other customer in line was a hot 20-something male. Just my luck. So I put in my order (sans donut).

"Is there anything else I can get you today"? Asked the male behind the counter.

"Ummmmmmmm". (Now what I was planning to do was take out a piece of paper out of my pocket and pretend that I was reading off of a list, so that it would definitely look like I was getting donuts for somebody else. Unfortunately, this trick doesn't really fly when the "list" consists of only one item"). My other alternative was to say:

"Yeah, I'm going to need a Boston Cream please". By using the term "need", you are implying that the item is not for yourself. It works in many contexts. For example, "I am going to need 5 lamb shanks", or "I am going to need 4 cans of eggshell white paint". Both phrases connote the idea that the said item is not for yourself, but for somebody else, or perhaps the greater good.

Instead, I just turned red with embarrassment and said nothing. He repeated his question. I glanced over at the hottie next to me, who seemed completely disinterested in my order at this point.

"Yeah, actuallyyyyyyy", I was almost whispering at this point. "Could I get a Boston Cream?"

"I'm sorry, could you speak up"??

"A Boston Cream", I hissed. My blood pressure at this point was just about off the charts.

It was at this moment that the guy next to me turned and gave me a FULL BODY SIZE-UP of my figure. I swear to God. Judgment!

I grabbed the donut, the bagel and the coffee, and made a run for it. My stress level had caused me to squash the donut with my trembling, nervous hands; and by the time it found its way to LSF #1 it looked like a big sugary mess. She didn't care though. She loves donuts. The whole experience has only served to reaffirm my belief; that I cannot, and never will be able to eat donuts.