If You're Gonna Run a Red Light, Don't Cut Off a Cop While Doing It

My last post reminded me of something that happened to me the other week.

I wish I could say that this is about some random idiot-driver, but, unfortunately it is about my idiot-self.

The stoplight to make a left turn into my apartment complex takes an eternity. While I don't know how many minutes it lasts exactly, I know some things I have done while sitting there, like... eat an entire bag of pistachios, listen to two songs on the radio, get harassed by my father about my dire financial situation, and send a string of harassing text messages to an unnamed recipient.

On the average, I would say that I run this red light about 50% of the time. And when I say "run" the light, I don't mean that the light was changing from yellow to red and I speed through at the last second. I mean that I sit for about 20 seconds or so in contemplation deciding if
a) I care if the car behind me will think I'm a total asshole (bc usually it is one of my neighbors) and
b) If there is any chance somebody in a position of authority will see me.

The reason that I run this light at all is because there are rarely any cars coming in the other direction. Ideally, this would be the perfect spot for a flashing red arrow. Some days I will just sit, with no cars coming in either direction, like a scene out of the Truman show.

On this particular day of my traffic violation, I was in somewhat of a hurry because I was about to embark upon a three hour journey, and just wanted to drop some stuff of at my house. I sat there for a minute or so, then decided to gun it. There was only one car coming in the other direction, and it was pretty far away. Plus, what were the chances of it being a cop?? High, I guess. Because the second after I made the turn, I saw my fatal error.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" I yelled out. I thought I was in the clear, though, because (and I'm not sure why) I have always believed that there is some sort of "home base" immunity which would entirely preclude me from liability. I don't know why I have ever thought this. I guess you just rarely see people getting pulled over in their own driveways. So I speed through my neighborhood, thinking that if I can pull in and park the cop won't be sure which car is mine and I can deny ever being in it at all. (the R.Kelly sex video comes to mind at this point) Wrong. Sure enough, as I am about to pull into my PPS (prime parking spot) the cop flies in like a bat out of hell, lights blaring. So yeah, I got pulled over directly in front of my apartment.

All I could do was laugh at my own stupidity.

Cop: Didn't see me there, did ya?

Me: Uhhhhh nope, guess not!" (would I have done that if I had?)

Cop: Are you in a rush to get somewhere?

Now, this would have been the perfect chance to use the old "shit my pants" trick that everybody talks about but nobody ever really uses. I just didn't have the balls.

Me: Well, I mean, I'm kind of in a rush. See, I have to drive to Tallahassee today to pick up my sister...

Cop: (cuts me off) License and registration please.

I have never gotten a ticket before, and for some reason just knew I wouldn't on this day either. It is not due to my overwhelming charm (some say I'm actually not charming at all) but for some reason I always get the impression that cops think I look like I don't have enough money to afford the ticket, and will end up subjecting them to more problems than if they didn't give me one in the first place.

My instincts were correct. He returned to my car, saying that I was getting off with a warning. I stopped listening after that because I was so thrilled. All I heard were snippets of him talking about an urgent 911 call, a $180 dollar fine, and how by running the red light I had fucked up the light cycle for everybody else.